weeks seven, eight, and nine!

these past few weeks were really hard but finally, things are looking like they're "getting better" as new moms always say (or hope). although josh's schedule was still busy as ever (i hadn't properly seen him for more than a few hours at a time for the last few weeks and that was mostly at midnight or past midnight), my mom was here to the rescue ~ literally. i don't think i could've made it without her - she gave me the sanity that i needed and although at times, her lecturing or nitpicking may annoy or aggravate me, i was (am) so grateful to have had here when i needed her most. i think i was sinking ship, as you can probably tell by my last post last time, and i honestly think my breast milk would've dried up if she hadn't come as i wasn't eating properly or able to take care of myself at that time (nor sleeping well)...one of the things we "changed" was that we started to let shiloh sleep on her tummy. i know its a big "no-no" by the american academy of pediatrics but honestly, she has really good head control and strength and since we slept her on her tummy for naps literally since she was maybe 3 days old, now at 2 months, she is well used to sleeping that way (although not recommend, as i said).

right now, she is eating every 2.5-3 hrs a day but can go through a 7 hr stretch at night! (first night we let her sleep through the night on tummy, she didn't eat for almost 9 hours which really worried me!) and we are so thankful for that! also i'm so thankful that during the wee hours in the night (the 2am, 4am, 5 am, etc. feedings), she generally goes right back to sleep (without being fussy or hard to put down) after eating! that is truly a "Praise God" thankful thing i know!

like i said, things are really much better and getting easier than even 2 weeks ago, but i find myself scared that (a) she is growing up sooo fast - already almost two months! and (b) afraid to start really "sleep training" her - which means that i'll have to likely have her "Cry it out" at times - as right now, we're honestly just letting her sleep on us or the baby carrier during the day for basically all her naps (she really prefers this of course!) i can't believe she's already almost 2 months - as the panic that "oh no! she doesn't have enough stimulating toys!" or "oh no! i actually have to start now reading the 'what to do when your baby is 2 months old' stuff" (since previously, i was only concentrating on "newborn up to 6 six weeks" articles and thinking that 2 months was farrr away..). 

last week, i also turned 28 years old! eek! 2 away from thirty! honestly, this year, my resolution is to know Christ better and to be born again in order to raise Shiloh to love God too ~ i mean, how can i try to instill in her a love for Christ when it's not truly in me either? i've been trying to do devotions in the morning (longer and more meaningful now than just reading a text on my phone while in bed), but its become even harder with a newborn as the moments i have alone or quiet are when she's "hopefully" sleeping or taking a nap, which are unfortunately few right now - that makes me think of all the "free time" i had during my pregnancy especially, that i wasted all those mornings without having long or meaningful devotions..

in other news, it is so nice to have family and josh home for at least a few days during the holiday season to just carry and hold shiloh while i have some "gasp" free time! (actually, a lot! i haven't held her for more than 2 hours maybe during these last 2 days which is amazing!) i feel though a bit guilty at the same time that i haven't held her that much - but i know i should at the same time, relish these days and moments since i know that in a few more days, everyone will be gone (including josh when he's in-house call) and it will be just me taking care of her again. 

happy holidays everyone! :)

week six

this has been by far one of the toughest weeks for me (after probably the first week) as this time it wasn't because of my pain from the delivery but rather, shiloh became really, really fussy this week and quite outright refused to sleep in her bassinet for more than 30-40 minute stretches at night - leaving me with possibly 1-2 hours of sleep in total each night over the past four days and then also went through her six week "growth spurt," where she wanted to eat every hour seemingly over the last few days --  combined with the fact that josh was basically at work 24/7 since thursday and on-call on friday, and then gone almost all saturday, i felt like a truly stay-at-home, single mom at times and trapped inside the home. postpartum blues you say? i have to admit that yes, i'm most likely feeling the blues . . . or for sure i am. i think its combined with the sleep deprivation, the crying fussy baby, my own pain and slow recovery (still from my delivery), lack of help, lack of human social interaction, and the cloudy, wintery weather really got to me this week and unfortunately, left me with no appetite and a bit of decreasing milk supply. my mom was also gone with this week, so i skipped a lot of meals . . . i mean, how can you eat when you have a screaming, hungry baby wanting your attention 24/7 starting from around 4pm-2am? still, i'm grateful that she's gotten into somewhat of a routine in the mornings, she wakes up, eats, and then sleeps until around noon in her swing generally for around 2-3 hours consistently - giving me gracious time to go to the bathroom, wash up, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, and cheek my emails. i know this is the time i should probably also catch up on my sleep but honestly, its always been hard for me to "nap" during the day and also, since i am sort of a "neat-freak" in the sense that i want to keep the house looking neat, want the laundry done and folded, kitchen cleaned, bottles cleaned, etc.. i'm honestly not the cleanest, neatest person in the world but i hate filthy and messy - so at least, i feel like i have control of something, right?

this week, possibly this might change, but i really thought for the first time that "wow, i cannot be a stay-at home mom." this is probably due to the fact that over the past 6 weeks, i've been out of the house maybe only 2-3 times in total (not counting doctors visits) and so i'm really feeling so disconnected from the "world." but at the same time, when i think of leaving shiloh with someone else, or a daycare, i get scared and so worried thinking, "what if she's crying?" "what if they don't know what she wants?" "what if she needs me?" sort of a catch 22, but i bet that's how all moms feel when they leave their babies somewhere.

last night was really hard again (maybe only 1.5 hrs of sleep?) and i hadn't eaten that much either (i think my "blues" has really taken my desire for food away but i know i should eat since i'm breastfeeding and need to produce), so i called my mom and she's going to come help me this week (probably fly in tomorrow). honestly i feel a bit like a "failure" that i can't do this alone but i do want (a) just a few minutes each day to myself, i.e., hot shower, check emails, do something else, (b) go outside once in a awhile, i.e. groceries, shopping, and (c) have some time with josh outside the house as well (now i understand why people set aside "date nights" when they have kids). so maybe when my mom comes, my life can be a bit more balanced out and i can feel a bit less overwhelmed and like a zombie.

okay enough of my complaining and "woe" is me tales, onto much more exciting news and more important news! starting from about last saturday (so when she turned 5 weeks), shiloh's been much more awake now and smiles a lot more (which absolutely brings a smile to our faces, i mean, no matter how tired i am, if she smiles - how can you not smile back?) and she hears a lot more and is much more interactive! now when i think back to how when she was 1-3 weeks old (never really opening her eyes, always sleeping that it was hard to even get a picture of her wide awake) and how she is now so wide-eyed during her awake times, its crazy how much she has grown! oh and she went through a growth spurt as well (on top of her fussy week) and haven't weighed or measured her yet, but she's definitely grown and is now almost too small for 3 month old sizes! she's growing up too fast and i know that although its hard right now, these are the times that i'm going to look back on and wonder why i didn't treasure these moments more, why i complained so much, and think fondly about even these difficult times as part of growing up as a new mom and raising our baby daughter..

week four + five

time is passing so fast and by so fast, i mean faster than its ever moved in my life! in the blink of an eye, my little girl is already one month old!

during the past week and half, i feel like we've learned a lot more about each other and we as parents are learning a whole lot more about how to raise an infant. i wouldn't say we have a "routine" because we don't, i just feed her on demand and she sleeps whenever she sleeps for as long as she wants (which i know some might disagree with) but right now, that's what we are doing. she's like a clock - she sleeps generally for 2 hours throughout the day and night, with maybe one long stretch of 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening. (she actually slept almost 4 hours in josh's arms last night though!) but we've learned that (1) she loves to be held and sleep in someone's arms (2) she loves all things warm and fuzzy, aka plush blankets, warm towels, etc., (3) she likes to go bathroom while we are in the middle of changing her diapers, keeping us ever alert and on our toes when changing her even in the middle of the night (4) she loves to comfort nurse (which means falling asleep while breastfeeding) which apparently is a bad habit, but she's an infant! (which is my "excuse" perhaps for a lot of her "bad habits"). also, we learned she absolutely loves her fisher price swing (not the expensive mamaroo we got her, which is slowly collecting dust in the corner, sigh)! its a miracle worker i tell you - it frees up sometime for me in the mornings and daytime where i can actually brush my teeth, go bathroom, wash my face, and eat!

living in these 2 hours increments always presents a dilemma for me during the day - should i sleep since i only got 2-3 hours total in sleep last night? or, should i actually "live life" aka check my emails, browse internet, find out what's going on in the "real world" out there, shop online for baby things that she might need, blog.. and then there's the dishes, bottles that need to be cleaned, laundry, dogs.. so needless to say, this is why my day passes by so quickly and tiredly. how lucky i will feel when she finally sleeps for 4-5 hours at night! i think i'll truly feel like a new person.

everyone says that at 6 weeks (some say 8 weeks but i'm hoping 6), things will get a lot better and she will start sleeping at night longer, but that probably means that she will be sleeping during the day less and that i will need to "play" and keep her engaged more during the day - but hopefully, the 4-5 hours of sleep that i will hopefully be getting will give me enough energy!

in other news, i've started pumping with the medela electric pump and i've been fortunate to have a good supply and flow of milk, apparently me pumping out around 3-4 oz in 5 minutes (which has been generally how long i pump) is really good! that's a relief though, because i don't really like spending my "free time" attached to this machine anyways. i started pumping so maybe my mom or josh could bottle feed shiloh maybe once a day to relieve me, but i've realized that maybe inside, even that i can't fully let go (at this point anyhow). i stay awake and watch her as she's being bottle-fed - therefore defeating the whole purpose of me sleeping or doing something else during that time, but i can't help but not want to let her out of my sight and to make sure she's not choking or uncomfortable while getting bottle fed. perhaps call it the "mom" in me already that can't let her go. sigh, how am i ever going to send her to school one day? eek.

at the doctor's visit for her one month check-up, she was 10 lbs and 5 oz (around 80% percentile) and 23 inches (99% percentile), our pediatrician was like "Wow! She's tall!" Hmm, i wonder where she got those genes from (not me or josh) or, it could be a momentary growth spurt as she has, been eating around the clock every 1.5-2 hours for the last month...

as far as me, i feel so much better one month postpartum, and i even was brave enough to weigh myself last week to find i lost 22 lbs thus far! i still have around 14-15 lbs to go back to my pre-pregnnacy weight though but i'm not in a rush - nor can i be as even though i feel better (like 85%), I'm nowhere at the point where i can run or even walk for a long time, much less workout. yesterday we walked a bit at the doctor's appt and also carried her around in her heavy car seat (we forgot the stroller), and i'm feeling quite sore today..

week three

i am totally exhausted and overwhelmed this week, so much so that when i talk about my week, tears just come naturally to my eyes. seriously did not know that taking care of a newborn was this hard! even though every mother tells you beforehand, you honestly don't realize just how difficult and tiring it is until you become a new mother.

towards the end of week two, our little girl who was sleeping consistently 3-4 hour stretches during the day and at night (allowing this mother to get much needed rest and letting her have some semblance of a "life") began to sleep 1-2 hr stretches and staying awake for 3-4 hr stretches crying that she wants more, more food (aka breastmilk). i am ashamed to say that i got so frustrated at times - as i would feed her for almost an hour but then she wouldn't seem ever satisfied and would constantly be rooting for more when i felt i had nothing else to give. its really quite frustrating when you don't know what your baby needs or wants and her fussiness stretches well over the hours. it's not her fault of course, she's a newborn who just doesn't know how to express herself to her confused, first time, newbie mother. i still can't believe i'm a mom. i wonder if the reality will hit me once she starts crawling? eating solid food? walking? calling me "mom?"

anyways, i know that newborn sleeping patterns change all the time, i feel like i was so lucky the first two weeks and now i'm "paying" for it! but this too shall pass -- right? during the time, i feel more awake and even when she is fussy or wants to eat every hour, i feel up to it. but its at night time and in the early am hours that i feel so overwhelmed and utterly, utterly exhausted from waking up every 1.5 to 2 hours. still, its funny how when she's sleeping - as the days go by, even though i'm holding my breath counting the minutes go by and praying silently that she continues to sleep at least a few more hours so i can have a "life" for those precious hours (i.e., use bathroom, shower, eat, brush teeth, etc), part of me can't wait to see her big eyes open up and look at me and i am eagerly and expectantly wanting her to get up (again, i emphasize "part of me" lol).

also due to her "change" of sleeping habits and also the fact that she seemed to exhibit some symptoms of acid reflux (my google searching of her antics, i.e., stretching her back during feedings, hiccups after feedings, spitting up, more fussiness, coughing noises at night) made us take her to the pediatrician on monday. thankfully he said that he doesn't think she has acid reflux but more just newborn generic reflux at times which is nothing to be concerned or treat at this point.

weight: on monday, she was 8 lbs and 12 oz! almost 9 lbs already!

milestones: i think she has good head strength, is able to keep her head up for several seconds, her belly button officially fell off so we can give her tub baths (my mom is still doing them for her as its still difficult for me to go up and down the stairs since we bathe her upstairs).

changes: she developed pimples around her face, eyes, and nose last friday. i was so concerned it was due to allergies (possibly dogs?) or baby lotion, but the doctor says its just my hormones that are transmitted to her via breast milk. i know it shouldn't bother me, but it does! i want her clear, soft skin back again! doctor says it should go away in a few weeks..

we took her out for a stroll around our neighborhood the other day - first time that we (both shiloh and i) went outside (besides for doctor's appts)! it was around 60 degrees and the last nice day of fall, today it already started to snow and we're expecting 30 degree weather from here on out.. so i guess our "first" time out might also our "last" time out for awhile..

she's starting to stir and make her usual grunting noises to let me know she's waking up - it's been an almost 2 hour nap (an hour and 40 mins to be exact) so i guess it's time for me to return to being a "newborn mother" instead of trying to still cling onto my former life :)

week two

this week was exponentially better than the first, and i think, really led me to bond with her. The first week i was so concentrated on myself and me, and with getting over my pain - looking back, i feel like i was so selfish the first week and so focused on what i was feeling, instead of putting her first in my priorities. this week, i've been able to walk around more,  pick her up, place her down, and (gasp) change her diaper. i must confess that prior to her, i never ever changed a baby diaper and am still pretty terrible at it. even though she is mine, i still don't really enjoy the poop diapers (although i really don't mind the wet ones) at this point (maybe one day i will?) i feel bad for her because it takes me almost twice as long to change as does my hubby - which subjects her to more prolonged exposure to the cold and air - which she absolutely hates.

naps: i was trying so hard to go "by the book" the first week and wake her every 2-3 hours to feed all throughout the day and night. well, also compounded by the fact that she lost 10% of her weight (down to 7 lbs and 4 oz by the time we were discharged), so the pediatrician told me that i should feed her often to get her weight back up - which she did. she is still slightly jaundiced looking (or is it just that she's asian and has yellow skin?), but thank goodness she has regained her birth weight and is around 8 lbs and 8 oz! however, i started getting really stressed around the second week about how to sleep/eat train her the "correct" way, and after talking to various people, it seems that nowadays the better idea is to just feed her "on demand!" so now i just let her sleep until she needs to eat, and omygoodness, i really think she is just an angel (right now) as she sleeps at night in 3-4 hour stretches - which allows me to sleep in 3 to 4 hour increments (at least twice) in the night - i mean, my hubby doesn't even wake up once during the night which shows how good of a sleeper she (and probably he) is. during the day, she also sleeps ALOT - for around 2-4 hour increments and is such a good baby that i am so grateful for. she also hardly cries - when she does, it's always for a reason and not just to cry - she is either (a) hungry, or (b) angry we are changing her diapers.

eat: she really does eat a lot and breastfeeding has been (thankfully) not too difficult for me, except for sore/painful nipples since she tends to suck "improperly" at times (which i try to correct but at times, am too tired to do as well to fight with her on this). but it's getting better and i am sooo thankful that i (think) i am producing enough milk for her and that she is a good "latcher," albeit the momentary improper latches.

features: at this age, she really does look just like her father! she totally has his mouth, ears, and chin. the verdict is still out about her nose and eyes at this time. will update as she grows. i'm so happy though - i want her to look like him so that i'll always have a mini-version of my hubby at my side.

dogs: i feel bad for our two dogs Romeo and Jully, as they've been greatly neglected these past 2 weeks, at least by me. our big one has not yet exactly warmed up to our little one, so that we don't let them sleep in our room anymore (okay so it may be the wrong decision to kick them out right now, but i can't fall asleep at night with the baby knowing that he's in our room and does not like the baby). he's not exactly aggressive towards her, but growls/grunts at her and seems like he can't figure out if she's a human or animal. so until he does, i'm keeping their distance from her at this time. but i did find a dog walker to take them who still start next week, so hopefully they feel some happiness these days.

thoughts: as i look at her right now as she's lying in her cosleeper, whining a little bit in her sleep and moving around likely in dream la-la land,  i can't help but think that i don't want these moments of hers as an infant to ever end.  do all mothers feel like this? they must. at least i know i do - i want to treasure, capture, and freeze all of these moments - the noises she makes while sleeping, her facial expressions when she is looking for food moving her head side to side like a crazy person, the satisfied look after she feeds, the "froggy" face look when i burp her, the baby smell in her hair and face, the softness of her cheeks... i could go on. i try to take pictures or videos when i can, but for me, that is not going to be enough. every day, i realize that she's going to grow up faster than i want her to and that all these treasured moments are going to pass by in a blink, and that thought makes my heart hurt - it makes me want to somehow mentally freeze and store every single moment in my heart and mind. i try to comfort myself with the thought that at least, she's mine forever though, no matter what age or size she is, she'll always be my daughter. while i was pregnant, i watched a youtube video the other day about a little girl crying and in tears, bawling, when told that her younger infant brother was going to grow up, stating "i don't ever want him to grow up!" i laughed at that time, thinking the little girl was so cute and so ridiculous at the same time - but now, i fully understand how that little girl felt and 100% sympathize with her because right now, i feel like bawling and crying like her when faced with the reality that my baby will, in fact, grow up - and faster than i want her to or am ready for her to. 

my labor and delivery

just wanted to share my labor and delivery "story" before i forget! can you believe, its already been almost two weeks!

On October 23, 2014, i was 39 weeks and wondering when this little girl was going to come out. honestly i wanted her to be earlier rather than late and felt ready for her to arrive, and i did not want her to be born on Halloween (which was a real possibility since that was only a day after my EDD of 10/30/14). That day, i had gone to see my OB/GYN for my weekly visits and he said i was 2 inches dilated (which disappointed me since i had been about that much dilated the week before, although i thought i for sure had progressed since i was so diligently walking 20 minutes a day (a mile) with my husband around our block (okay, so maybe that wasn't that much exercise but still..) During the weeks prior, since perhaps my 36th week, i had been experiencing some "period" like cramps on and off, but people told me it was just "Braxton Hicks," which if you know, aren't the "real thing." Well, since i had never felt how a "real contraction" felt, i wasn't sure what i should be waiting or feeling for.

On Friday early night, October 24, 2014, i woke up at around 3:30 a.m. feeling my "menstrual like cramping" had gotten a bit stronger. although i still didn't think these were actual "contractions," this time i felt like the cramps were a bit more painful, as i was having a hard time going back to sleep, and were recurring closer and closer together in time and lasting longer and longer in duration. just in case they were the "real thing," i started to time them at around 4:00 a.m.  to 7:30 a.m., and sure enough, these "cramps" began coming every 10 then to 5 minutes, and were lasting longer in duration - from lasting only a few seconds to around 45 seconds by 7:30 a.m. (i was recording each "cramp" start time and duration time on a little piece of scrap paper and my husband was timing me with his phone lol).

However, even at 7:30 a.m., i wasn't sure if these were real contractions, as all those "lamaze" videos had told me that when you're having the "real contractions," you won't be able to talk due to the pain and you would be "doubling over."  well, i could still talk and i wasn't really "doubling over," even though some of these "cramps" were getting quite strong, so i wasn't convinced i was in labor. however just to be safe, josh called his work to tell them he'd be late for his morning case and we went to the hospital.  i remember thinking i would feel so bad for making him miss work if this was "false labor." once we got to the L&D, i could tell the nurses were skeptical that this first time pregnant mother was in labor but after 20 minutes of fetal monitoring and a vaginal exam, they found that i was almost 7 inches dilated already! everyone was really surprised that i wasn't in a lot of pain - but honestly, i just thought that i was having really bad menstrual cramps. (so yes, now i know what contractions feel like.. i think). thankfully i wasn't too far along dilated (i.e, 8 inches dilated or more) as i was still able to request and receive an epidural. 

i was then taken to my delivery room and given the epidural (an OB/GYN anesthesiologist fellow gave it to  me - honestly, i was a bit hesitant for a fellow to give me the epidural vs an attending, and as josh was there with me and they knew he was a physician as well, she actually offered for an attending to do it but i told her i was comfortable with her, and she ended up doing a really good job!) For a few hours after that, the OB nurse came in and placed me in different positions to get me completely dilated and ready to push.  I think it was around 2:00 p.m., when i began to push with the nurse before my OB/GYN came in to do the "final" pushing effort that would deliver the baby. did i mention how fortuitous it was that my actual OB/GYN (the one whom i had been following up with for my prenatal visits) was coincidentally in the hospital that morning doing an emergency C-section and stayed for my case, even though Friday wasn't his normal operative day). i think i was in actual pushing for only around 40 minutes before our beautiful little girl was delivered. i see other mothers who bond immediately with the baby when it comes out or thinks "i'm in love" immediately when they see the newborn, but i remember when she first came out and they placed her crying body on my chest, i felt...scared. thoughts like "who is this girl?", "am i ready to be a mother?" "is she really mine?" "she's so bloody!" ran through my head. maybe i'm the only mother who thinks these thoughts when they see their newborn for the first time but i concede that i did. during the pushing, i also remember that i couldn't feel any pain or contractions (only a little bit of pressure, but not painful pressure) and i thought to myself, "man if this is labor, this is pretty smooth sailing!" the pushing part takes a bit of effort and breathing, but it wasn't painful (again, thank you epidural).

the only "complication" during my deliver, if that, was that she was a lot larger than expected (her 36-37 week ultrasound showed her at 6 lbs - i must have eaten a lot in the last few weeks since i did gain a total of around 35-36 lbs during my pregnancy). therefore during the delivery, i had some tearing, had to get stitched up, and lost a lot of blood, and it took a lot of fluids to get my hemoglobin levels back up. although i became really swollen due to the fluids for many days thereafter and felt dizzy often, i thankfully did not have to get a blood transfusion.

the next days in the hospital, saturday and sunday, i think were really tough "rude awakening" nights for me and my husband, who slept with me in the hospital room. i was struggling with coping with the pain and at that point, our little girl was crying a lot and we, of course as new parents, were confused as to why she was crying and how we could get her to sleep (which she barely did those two nights in the hospital). now thinking back, she was probably hungry and did not like her hospital "crib" which she was placed in - maybe she was cold too.  i know that i didn't get any sleep on friday night (literally like maybe 15 minutes) and i feel sort of ashamed to say that on the following night, saturday, we took up the nurse's offer to take our little one to the hospital nursery for an hour so we could actually catch some sleep. 

on sunday afternoon, i was feeling a bit better although still in a lot of pain, but we got the okay to be discharged with our little girl, and in the afternoon around 1:00 p.m., i was wheeled out with my little one in my arms to take her home!

she's here

on October 24, 2014 at 15:15, our lives were changed forever by this 8lb 5oz, 21 inch little girl.

i know i took a long hiatus from blogging, so in the meantime to "quickly" recap, i got married almost four and a half years ago, finished law school, started my first job as an attorney in downtown LA, then recently returned to the Midwest where my husband started his second (sigh) fellowship training, and now we just had our first baby!

i have to say that i was so scared of blogging during my pregnancy even through i wanted to, because i was so scared something bad might happen at anytime (likely not helped by my work dealing with medical malpractice birth injury cases). but now that she's finally here - healthy, beautiful, and safe, i wanted to keep a journal "per se" of my thoughts about her and being a new mother, even if it's just for my own reading later on.

today she is already 11 days old, and i can't believe how much she's already grown and features changed in the last week and a half!

week one: the first week was really a whirlwind - getting discharged from the hospital, learning how hard and time-consuming breastfeeding (and painful) could be - not to mention time consuming, trying to adjust to living 24/7 on call for a newborn, being sleep deprived for the first few days (only getting possibly a total of 2 hours of intermittent sleep). it didn't help that the night prior to when i went into labor, i had only gotten around 3 hours of sleep as well.

oh, and can i just say that while everyone talks about the pregnancy, labor and delivery process, almost no one told me about just how difficult and painful the postpartum days would be (i.e., excruciating pain with going bathroom, perineal pain in general, constant flow of tears, constipation, inability to ambulate) compounded with the fact that at the same time you're trying to recover, you have a little newborn infant that is waiting and deserving of your full and undivided attention and care. i honestly felt like such a bad mom the first week, as i couldn't give my girl 100% of my love, effort, and focus as i was in too much pain and unable to even take care of myself for the most part. i got frustrated, cried, and got angry at so many moments and felt so inadequate and so selfish as a mother. they say the first weeks are all about "survival" and i can't believe we did actually survive the first week somehow - albeit i could not have done it without the help of my husband and my mother. i honestly don't know how some new moms do it without help! they must be super-moms, which i clearly am not at this point. hopefully the following weeks we'll be able to establish a schedule together and i can be 100% there for my little baby girl who deserves all that and so much more.