weeks seven, eight, and nine!

these past few weeks were really hard but finally, things are looking like they're "getting better" as new moms always say (or hope). although josh's schedule was still busy as ever (i hadn't properly seen him for more than a few hours at a time for the last few weeks and that was mostly at midnight or past midnight), my mom was here to the rescue ~ literally. i don't think i could've made it without her - she gave me the sanity that i needed and although at times, her lecturing or nitpicking may annoy or aggravate me, i was (am) so grateful to have had here when i needed her most. i think i was sinking ship, as you can probably tell by my last post last time, and i honestly think my breast milk would've dried up if she hadn't come as i wasn't eating properly or able to take care of myself at that time (nor sleeping well)...one of the things we "changed" was that we started to let shiloh sleep on her tummy. i know its a big "no-no" by the american academy of pediatrics but honestly, she has really good head control and strength and since we slept her on her tummy for naps literally since she was maybe 3 days old, now at 2 months, she is well used to sleeping that way (although not recommend, as i said).

right now, she is eating every 2.5-3 hrs a day but can go through a 7 hr stretch at night! (first night we let her sleep through the night on tummy, she didn't eat for almost 9 hours which really worried me!) and we are so thankful for that! also i'm so thankful that during the wee hours in the night (the 2am, 4am, 5 am, etc. feedings), she generally goes right back to sleep (without being fussy or hard to put down) after eating! that is truly a "Praise God" thankful thing i know!

like i said, things are really much better and getting easier than even 2 weeks ago, but i find myself scared that (a) she is growing up sooo fast - already almost two months! and (b) afraid to start really "sleep training" her - which means that i'll have to likely have her "Cry it out" at times - as right now, we're honestly just letting her sleep on us or the baby carrier during the day for basically all her naps (she really prefers this of course!) i can't believe she's already almost 2 months - as the panic that "oh no! she doesn't have enough stimulating toys!" or "oh no! i actually have to start now reading the 'what to do when your baby is 2 months old' stuff" (since previously, i was only concentrating on "newborn up to 6 six weeks" articles and thinking that 2 months was farrr away..). 

last week, i also turned 28 years old! eek! 2 away from thirty! honestly, this year, my resolution is to know Christ better and to be born again in order to raise Shiloh to love God too ~ i mean, how can i try to instill in her a love for Christ when it's not truly in me either? i've been trying to do devotions in the morning (longer and more meaningful now than just reading a text on my phone while in bed), but its become even harder with a newborn as the moments i have alone or quiet are when she's "hopefully" sleeping or taking a nap, which are unfortunately few right now - that makes me think of all the "free time" i had during my pregnancy especially, that i wasted all those mornings without having long or meaningful devotions..

in other news, it is so nice to have family and josh home for at least a few days during the holiday season to just carry and hold shiloh while i have some "gasp" free time! (actually, a lot! i haven't held her for more than 2 hours maybe during these last 2 days which is amazing!) i feel though a bit guilty at the same time that i haven't held her that much - but i know i should at the same time, relish these days and moments since i know that in a few more days, everyone will be gone (including josh when he's in-house call) and it will be just me taking care of her again. 

happy holidays everyone! :)

week six

this has been by far one of the toughest weeks for me (after probably the first week) as this time it wasn't because of my pain from the delivery but rather, shiloh became really, really fussy this week and quite outright refused to sleep in her bassinet for more than 30-40 minute stretches at night - leaving me with possibly 1-2 hours of sleep in total each night over the past four days and then also went through her six week "growth spurt," where she wanted to eat every hour seemingly over the last few days --  combined with the fact that josh was basically at work 24/7 since thursday and on-call on friday, and then gone almost all saturday, i felt like a truly stay-at-home, single mom at times and trapped inside the home. postpartum blues you say? i have to admit that yes, i'm most likely feeling the blues . . . or for sure i am. i think its combined with the sleep deprivation, the crying fussy baby, my own pain and slow recovery (still from my delivery), lack of help, lack of human social interaction, and the cloudy, wintery weather really got to me this week and unfortunately, left me with no appetite and a bit of decreasing milk supply. my mom was also gone with this week, so i skipped a lot of meals . . . i mean, how can you eat when you have a screaming, hungry baby wanting your attention 24/7 starting from around 4pm-2am? still, i'm grateful that she's gotten into somewhat of a routine in the mornings, she wakes up, eats, and then sleeps until around noon in her swing generally for around 2-3 hours consistently - giving me gracious time to go to the bathroom, wash up, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, and cheek my emails. i know this is the time i should probably also catch up on my sleep but honestly, its always been hard for me to "nap" during the day and also, since i am sort of a "neat-freak" in the sense that i want to keep the house looking neat, want the laundry done and folded, kitchen cleaned, bottles cleaned, etc.. i'm honestly not the cleanest, neatest person in the world but i hate filthy and messy - so at least, i feel like i have control of something, right?

this week, possibly this might change, but i really thought for the first time that "wow, i cannot be a stay-at home mom." this is probably due to the fact that over the past 6 weeks, i've been out of the house maybe only 2-3 times in total (not counting doctors visits) and so i'm really feeling so disconnected from the "world." but at the same time, when i think of leaving shiloh with someone else, or a daycare, i get scared and so worried thinking, "what if she's crying?" "what if they don't know what she wants?" "what if she needs me?" sort of a catch 22, but i bet that's how all moms feel when they leave their babies somewhere.

last night was really hard again (maybe only 1.5 hrs of sleep?) and i hadn't eaten that much either (i think my "blues" has really taken my desire for food away but i know i should eat since i'm breastfeeding and need to produce), so i called my mom and she's going to come help me this week (probably fly in tomorrow). honestly i feel a bit like a "failure" that i can't do this alone but i do want (a) just a few minutes each day to myself, i.e., hot shower, check emails, do something else, (b) go outside once in a awhile, i.e. groceries, shopping, and (c) have some time with josh outside the house as well (now i understand why people set aside "date nights" when they have kids). so maybe when my mom comes, my life can be a bit more balanced out and i can feel a bit less overwhelmed and like a zombie.

okay enough of my complaining and "woe" is me tales, onto much more exciting news and more important news! starting from about last saturday (so when she turned 5 weeks), shiloh's been much more awake now and smiles a lot more (which absolutely brings a smile to our faces, i mean, no matter how tired i am, if she smiles - how can you not smile back?) and she hears a lot more and is much more interactive! now when i think back to how when she was 1-3 weeks old (never really opening her eyes, always sleeping that it was hard to even get a picture of her wide awake) and how she is now so wide-eyed during her awake times, its crazy how much she has grown! oh and she went through a growth spurt as well (on top of her fussy week) and haven't weighed or measured her yet, but she's definitely grown and is now almost too small for 3 month old sizes! she's growing up too fast and i know that although its hard right now, these are the times that i'm going to look back on and wonder why i didn't treasure these moments more, why i complained so much, and think fondly about even these difficult times as part of growing up as a new mom and raising our baby daughter..