indebted to my two year old

tonight i was so grateful and touched by my little two year old (she says she's "two and a half") daughter. S knew i was having a tough evening with daddy working all weekend and mommy getting into a fight with grandma and was so pleasant and trying to uplift my spirits all evening by saying "I love you mommy" and "Don't be mad at grandma, be nice." She was even playing by herself and waiting for me as i nursed Kai.

around bedtime, i told her that i had to put Kai down first so asked her to play with grandma downstairs. i think she sensed that i was a bit stressed over bedtime as well, so the next thing i know it she's running upstairs behind me and then peeking into Kai's room and asking "do you need help mommy?" the mean spirit in me, not knowing she was trying to be helpful but thinking she might wake Kai up, said "No no no Shi - please go out." Without a word, she quietly closed the door (she usually slams is sometimes) and then went to her room. After putting Kai down, i ran to her room to see what havoc she was up to, but lo and behold, this little girl is trying to put her inside-out dinosaur PJs on by herself and getting ready for bedtime by herself - with no help from grandma or mommy.

Even as i was reading books to her and telling her i still had to go soothe Kai (who was on his way to sleep but fighting it and needing some reassuring pats), she told me "okay mommy" and waited for me patiently in her room. and this girl who sometimes takes up to 30 minutes or more to settle down to sleep, then just fell asleep within 1-2 minutes of me coming back to her.

what a sweetheart. she's a far better person than i am.

sayings of shiloh

things she says these days that makes me laugh..

• S: "Bye bye, see you later!"
• S: "Malachi, he's a nice boy."
• S: "Chips? yumm, it's pretty good."
• Mom: "Can Malachi have a popsicle?" S: "No, he eats only oo-yoo (breastmilk)."

mom guilt

starting to realize these days what "mom guilt" is really all about. everytime i put shiloh to bed and see her sweet, angelic, peaceful face sleeping, i think of all the mean glares, yelling, angry/scary voice, or lecturing that i did that day to her and feel guilty and so sorry. i should've been more patient, i should've let her eat that popsicle in peace, i shouldn't have rushed her to get out of the bath, i should have just let her enjoy 5 more minutes playing with her toys. sigh. 

back as a mother of two!

hello blog world. not sure who, if anyone else but me, reads this but i decided to start blogging again mainly for the purpose of recording moments, thoughts, and memories so i can remember them later myself. also, i think i will write more freely here than guarded - as its i guess like a personal journal? i dont have the time to create a new private diary or anything like that during the day, and since most of my time is spent on the phone or laptop (sad i know) - i figure i'll just jot things as life goes on. to be honest, i like these types of journals and writing for myself -- as even with my newborn now, i found myself turning to reading these old entries (although few in number) to remember and recall and remind myself how it was when S was a newborn and it brought a smile to my face as well as relief that it "does get better". which is a big reason why i guess i decided to start up this relatively non-existent blog again.

i guess you can say much has happened since the last time i wrote - my dear S is now 2.5 years old (almost 3 in October), will be starting preschool in the fall (eek, don't know how that will go as she has never been apart from us with strangers), is most definitely in the thick of her terrible twos (to be honest, i think she is a bit, or alot, spoiled and not the most disciplined - which is most likely my fault), watches probably too much TV (currently around 1-1.5 hrs a day, and loves Micky Mouse, Micky Mouse Roadster Racers, and Farting King Pung Pung - korean show lol), is absolutely in love with all her stuffed animals and playing pretend house, pretend kitchen, pretend anything with them - which is when she reminds me of "Calvin" from Calvin and Hobbes. Despite her stubborn and rowdiness though, she has truly grown into a warm, loving, and kind-hearted girl who makes me laugh so much during the day despite the fact i am once again a sleep-deprived mom of a newborn (or now a 7 week old boy!)

some of the things she does that makes me laugh/cry at the same time:

• She tells me "Mommy, I love you" before going to sleep.
• When I get angry or mad, she asks me to "Be Happy" and "Not Mad." (in her exact words: "Mommy, be happy!" (how can i not get over my anger at that?)
• When she is happy or excited about a new gift, she hugs it and rocks the gift in her arms, saying "I love you." (so incredibly cute, which is why we probably spoil her and every week is like Xmas for her from amazon)
• When she drinks something or eats something good, she says with satisfaction: "Pretty good!"
• When she goes out, whether its the park, grocery, my gym, library, class, church (i.e., anywhere outside of home), she MUST take a stuffed animal. To be honest, i don't like that she does as i have to end up washing that stuffed toy when she comes home since its been probably rummaging across the floor or park that is very dirty or not clean - so i've tried to keep her from taking the toys.. to no avail. Case in point: The other day, i told her she could not take her stuffed elephant to My Gym, and she started to cry and have a meltdown. When i asked her what was wrong, she stated while sniffling: "If i don't take elephant, i don't have an animal!!" (which made me laugh so hard, thinking of how she feels that she NEEDS to have an animal with her 24/7 and i gave in and let her take the elephant).

that's just some of her funny conversations and sweet things she says these days. but i want to start jogging them down here so i don't forget! i think at times, its nice to just write things down even though its in my brain too as now, as a matter of two, i have so much more to remember from these precious moments that are passing by so fast! (and yet so slow, sometimes).

its already 9:33 p.m. though and although i want to write more about my thoughts regarding our newest baby boy M and what we've or are experiencing, how this time is vs last time with S, i do want to sleep by 10:00 p.m. tonight since M is still waking up around 2 times in the night (which is a BIG improvement from a few weeks ago!) and i need the sleep so i can have energy to take S around to her day activities and such during the day.

will write more tomorrow evening possibly. for now, i will eat my dried mangos and chocolate chip cookies (my evening snacks due to my nursing cravings eek), brush my teeth, look at some ideas for M's dohl (i know, already planning but i'm sort of neurotic like that), and go to sleep.