weeks thirteen to seventeen

man it is hard to keep up with blogging when you have a 3-4 month old baby running our life! :) i don't know how some mommy bloggers do it, perhaps their babies take long 2-3 hour naps during the day and go to sleep early at 6-7 pm, but my precious little angel currently takes around 45 min naps on average and goes to sleep around 9 pm... but i still love her every one bit and the fact that she makes my life super crazy busy and hectic lol. each day has been a new adventure and at times, i admit, even scary! no one really tells you how scary and unsure you will be as a first time mom - i have had so many doubts, uncertainties, and fears raising Shiloh as to "Am i doing the right thing?" "Am i letting her soothe herself?" "Is she too young to cry it out?" "Is her schedule the best for her optimal sleep/feed/eat?" "Why is she not eating?" and these are just the beginning of all the questions and things i worry about, running through my mind each day.

however - one thing has been a new (and very welcome) development in the past few weeks! she's actually begun sleeping for naps not on me! (hurrah!) well, she still needs to be worn/rocked to sleep initially, but we've been putting her down around 4-5 minutes after she falls asleep. granted, she sleeps only around 45 minutes (praying that this gets longer) but i'm still so thankful that at least she's been going on and that i'm not still carrying her 24/7 (which was nice but honestly, exhausting and tolling on my body - she's over 17lbs now!)

she has also begun sleeping longer stretches at night, averaging around an 8 hours stretch, then wakes up to eat, then usually goes back to sleep for around 2.5-3 hours! that has been soooo nice, but of course, there's me getting up every 3-4 hours to listen to her little cries or squeals that she makes during the night and praying inside that she doesn't wake up. perhaps this is because she sleeps in our room (her crib is stationed right next to our bed) and i basically sleep parallel to her crib -- there's pros and cons to this: pros? i like sleeping next to her, knowing she is safe, seeing her asleep, and feeling her closeby and not having to walk all the way upstairs or across the hall every time she wakes or squeaks -- the cons? waking up every time she wakes or squeaks. even if it's just a little movement, i find myself really sensitive to her sounds so its hard to get a truly 8 hour good night sleep, but i'm still sooo incredibly thankful that she has been such a good baby and sleeping these long stretches with only one feed. (but of course, in the back of mind there are times i think "when should she start dropping that one feed?" "am i creating a one-night feed habit?" "how should i make her stop waking up around that 4am-5am time?") sigh. the questions of a new mommy are endless.

in other news, i have decided to start part-time working from home again starting next week! i think for me, at least at this time, i want to be a working mom (even though being a stay at home sounds glamorous and heavenly to just be at home.. maybe when i have 2+ kids i'll be more open to just staying at home) -- i think i should start picking up something to do for myself again and not lose my other identity as a professional. we're getting a nanny part time who can come around 3x a week for a few hours each day so i can concentrate at least a few hours to work - but i'm scared as to whether i'll truly be able to do it (work from home and raise Shiloh), and whether i'll be able to trust and fully rely on the nanny and "let go" of Shiloh at least for those hours, or if i'll just be too overwhelmed by working/baby that i'll have to stop working. sometimes i think perhaps its easier for moms who work outside the home as they can't hear their baby crying, yelling, or whining but at least for those hours outside, they can concentrate at work? but on the flip side, at least i can be at home if she truly needs me and at the same time, keep an eye on the nanny as well? i hope i can do this! balance work/baby/wifey life! i guess in the next few weeks (likely next month) -- i'll find out! wish me luck!

weeks ten to twelve

sorry i've been so lazy at posting! okay, i wouldn't call it lazy but each day passes so quickly and so crazily that its a miracle if i have even 30 minutes to myself. actually i shouldn't say that, because this little one's been so good at night sleeping around 9-10 pm each night and waking only once to eat (at around 3-4 am) and then sleeping again until around 7-8 am! i know i have nothing to complain about since this little angel is sleeping at night so well! still, during the daytime its been a bit tough as she has gotten into the habit (and i fully take fault) of sleeping only when carried in a baby carrier and by that, i mean, napping only when carried or attached to a body lol. granted, in total her naps are probably anywhere from around 4-6 hours in total each day so in the grand spectrum of things, its not too hard but with her being around 15.6 lbs now, its been taking a toll physically on my back and shoulders i think.

i say that its my fault because around 6 weeks, i was so scared of letting her nap on her stomach (as she had been since basically she came home as a newborn) that i started having her nap in the carrier for a week! in that week, she caught on to this new "habit" and from that point, has only been happily napping on the carrier! i call it unintentional "attachment parenting/babywearing." regardless i have so much to be thankful and feel blessed about (i mean she sleeps around 6-7 hours a stretch at night at 3 months!!) so i know she is giving me the energy/sleep at night so i can have the strength to carry this little one around -- i would totally chose a good night sleeper over a good napper anyway anyhow!

today i took shiloh out to the mall by myself for the first time! it was tiring, a little bit scary (forgot how to take down the stroller oops), and yes she cried a ton during the car ride back (was pretty good on the car ride there - distracted by things) and i kept racing around the stores and in the mall, trying to keep her paci in her mouth, and moving the stroller along fast enough so she'd stay happy - but all in all, i think it was worth it! it certainly helped give me the confidence (a little bit more) that i needed to start taking her out in 20-30 degree weather by myself! i think in order to keep me sane and not so "trapped" at home feeling at home, i will try to venture out with her (when the weather permits) at least during one 3-hour segment per day -- i have a feeling that target, whole foods, and the mall are going to start seeing a whole lot of us.. and maybe in the same outing outfits too lol. (i only have so many shirts/sweaters that have buttons conducive for nursing!)

on another note, my old law firm in CA contacted me recently to see if i'm ready to come back to work now that she is 3 months -- i'm not too sure how i feel about this though. initially, i feel like "yes, i want to go work part-time now" but part of me, doesn't know if I'm ready to let her go yet! in order for me to work also, we have to find a part-time nanny who can come in and watch (more like hold) her for one 3-hour segment of napping/eating during the day. we are actually in the process of looking for one right now, and i suppose if we find one that i am super comfortable with then we will hire her and yes, i'll go back to work. but part of me thinks, "am i really ready to handle all that stress?" but maybe its a different type of stress in that it will let me have some "me away time" from shiloh -- but then again, that "me time" isn't particularly a "relaxing" time when its dealing with stressful clients, work, reports, etc.. i think in these next few weeks, we'll figure out better what we should do or what i'll be most happy or comfortable with re part-time work/nanny..