week six

this has been by far one of the toughest weeks for me (after probably the first week) as this time it wasn't because of my pain from the delivery but rather, shiloh became really, really fussy this week and quite outright refused to sleep in her bassinet for more than 30-40 minute stretches at night - leaving me with possibly 1-2 hours of sleep in total each night over the past four days and then also went through her six week "growth spurt," where she wanted to eat every hour seemingly over the last few days --  combined with the fact that josh was basically at work 24/7 since thursday and on-call on friday, and then gone almost all saturday, i felt like a truly stay-at-home, single mom at times and trapped inside the home. postpartum blues you say? i have to admit that yes, i'm most likely feeling the blues . . . or for sure i am. i think its combined with the sleep deprivation, the crying fussy baby, my own pain and slow recovery (still from my delivery), lack of help, lack of human social interaction, and the cloudy, wintery weather really got to me this week and unfortunately, left me with no appetite and a bit of decreasing milk supply. my mom was also gone with this week, so i skipped a lot of meals . . . i mean, how can you eat when you have a screaming, hungry baby wanting your attention 24/7 starting from around 4pm-2am? still, i'm grateful that she's gotten into somewhat of a routine in the mornings, she wakes up, eats, and then sleeps until around noon in her swing generally for around 2-3 hours consistently - giving me gracious time to go to the bathroom, wash up, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, and cheek my emails. i know this is the time i should probably also catch up on my sleep but honestly, its always been hard for me to "nap" during the day and also, since i am sort of a "neat-freak" in the sense that i want to keep the house looking neat, want the laundry done and folded, kitchen cleaned, bottles cleaned, etc.. i'm honestly not the cleanest, neatest person in the world but i hate filthy and messy - so at least, i feel like i have control of something, right?

this week, possibly this might change, but i really thought for the first time that "wow, i cannot be a stay-at home mom." this is probably due to the fact that over the past 6 weeks, i've been out of the house maybe only 2-3 times in total (not counting doctors visits) and so i'm really feeling so disconnected from the "world." but at the same time, when i think of leaving shiloh with someone else, or a daycare, i get scared and so worried thinking, "what if she's crying?" "what if they don't know what she wants?" "what if she needs me?" sort of a catch 22, but i bet that's how all moms feel when they leave their babies somewhere.

last night was really hard again (maybe only 1.5 hrs of sleep?) and i hadn't eaten that much either (i think my "blues" has really taken my desire for food away but i know i should eat since i'm breastfeeding and need to produce), so i called my mom and she's going to come help me this week (probably fly in tomorrow). honestly i feel a bit like a "failure" that i can't do this alone but i do want (a) just a few minutes each day to myself, i.e., hot shower, check emails, do something else, (b) go outside once in a awhile, i.e. groceries, shopping, and (c) have some time with josh outside the house as well (now i understand why people set aside "date nights" when they have kids). so maybe when my mom comes, my life can be a bit more balanced out and i can feel a bit less overwhelmed and like a zombie.

okay enough of my complaining and "woe" is me tales, onto much more exciting news and more important news! starting from about last saturday (so when she turned 5 weeks), shiloh's been much more awake now and smiles a lot more (which absolutely brings a smile to our faces, i mean, no matter how tired i am, if she smiles - how can you not smile back?) and she hears a lot more and is much more interactive! now when i think back to how when she was 1-3 weeks old (never really opening her eyes, always sleeping that it was hard to even get a picture of her wide awake) and how she is now so wide-eyed during her awake times, its crazy how much she has grown! oh and she went through a growth spurt as well (on top of her fussy week) and haven't weighed or measured her yet, but she's definitely grown and is now almost too small for 3 month old sizes! she's growing up too fast and i know that although its hard right now, these are the times that i'm going to look back on and wonder why i didn't treasure these moments more, why i complained so much, and think fondly about even these difficult times as part of growing up as a new mom and raising our baby daughter..